Hello Judgement and Guilt, better known as dragons three and four, the evilest of twins.
You feed each other and feed off of each other in a dysfunctional chum fest that hurts my head and rattles my well being.
My heart knows that I am allowed, I am deserving, of happiness. Of all the love I can scoop up from this world. Everyone is.
My soul knows that Marty wanted nothing more than for me to be healthy and happy. Always.
If the tables were turned and please know that I feel that they should have been. It should’ve been me. I am a good person, a loving and extremely giving person but he was more than those things.
I asked Boy to Man Wonder if he could tell me one thing Marty had taught him about life one night while we sat across from each other at Brown’s Brewing Company. It only took him a moment to answer.
‘Selflessness. I now know what that word means.’
I smiled and choked back emotion because that was what Marty taught us all. If there was one universal truth he taught everyone, selflessness was it.
I am quite certain that not one person would ever come to the same conclusion about me.
As time rolls on and the journey into my new normal takes on more milage, Judgement and Guilt have become my constant companions.
As the boundaries of my happiness expand, Judgement whispers into my ear while Guilt shakes it’s head in a disapproving manner. The result? My skittering backwards, unbalanced, on the road of new normal and then hours, sometimes days, of reconciling the voices in my head back around to the reality of my deserving happiness.
In that unbalanced place I lose myself a little, flailing in the dark among the beating wings and red hot chaos of the yet unnamed dragons in my head.
It’s there that I must make a choice. It’s always about choices isn’t it?
I can choose to drown in the familiar darkness and pain, after all its familiarity is comforting and Judgement and Guilt would like nothing more than to wrap me in their wings and sway into eternity.
But I choose to slay.
Jaw set, heart pounding, head aching, hands shaking…I choose to slay.
My core desired feelings are; Joy, connection, community, humility, passion and grace.
Judgement and Guilt, you bring me none of that and so you must go.
I release you. You serve me no more.