Why so late?
Because it was the last day Marty, felt like himself and had so much hope.
We did them together, always, like everything else. A team.
He always said, ‘Together we can do/be/fix anything/everything. Together.’
He ate that day. All. Day. Long.
All the forward steps into my new normal slip away on days like today.
I spiral down an unending slope paved with vaseline and there is no way to catch myself.
All the things I have been told over these months;
‘You are such an inspiration.’
‘You are the strongest person I know.’
‘Where do you think I get my strength from?’
I am not those things. I am a complete and utter mess. Today. Today.
How do I get through? How do I come out the other side? Upright, smiling, full of joy and looking for the sun?
Pacing, holding my head in my hands trying to stop it from exploding, tears streaming…..
and music blasting in my ears, headphones. His headphones.
Locked and loaded on Foo Fighters.
Today. So I can’t hear yesterday.
Drowning out all the pain, shutting out the voice, my voice, that tells me how I failed, how I am still failing….fault, fault, mine.
In the months that led to the day that I can not forget I would find reasons to go out into the world.
I would climb into the drivers seat of the Jetta and turn on the music loud enough that I couldn’t hear that voice, my voice, in my head.
The voice asking the questions. All the fucking questions…
‘How will I get through this?’
‘What more can I do?’
‘If I just spend some more time researching, searching…….I will find the answer. The magic juice, pill, plant, solution…answers.’
‘You are losing him, losing everything….see? You didn’t deserve any of it, you’ve always known that.’
‘Why are you crying? You have the easy part. You fucking weak ass bitch.’
‘Just keep driving….’
When strength feels like weakness.
Choices I say, it’s all about choices.
Happiness. Health. My new normal. All the love in the world. All the big feels.
Choose more. Today I choose so much more.
To remember more. To feel it. All of it. Out of it.
To live out fucking loud.
To make it.
To take up more space.
To be more badass.
To expand my tribe.
To make a difference.
To lift people up.
To reach out.
To be better.
To know better.
To slide back and bloody my hands grabbing hold of the smallest chance to regain balance.
To fall and always get the fuck back up.
To be scared and wave away the demons who whisper me awake at 3, 4 & 5 AM.
To walk through this world like I belong in it.
To dance until pain turns back into joy and then dance some more.
To love more. Love. Love. Love.